Sunday, December 31, 2017

Drowning by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

I'm drowning again but who will save me?
Who will notice when I do not speak?
You or you, you don't even notice the change.
You don't see the tears as long as I smile over the pain.
This is more lonely than you know, fighting by myself.
Pushing away these feelings and putting them on dusty shelves. 
Always hailed the strong one but no one sees how weak I really am.
Always seeing the danger in trust and wondering at everyone's scam.
Most of the time not believing because words are louder but actions speak.
Looking out into a world so bright but what I see is bleak.
I am trying to step forward but the weights hold me down.
I cover my ears trying to block out words and screams and sounds.
Alone is when the tears come because I have to keep this mask held tight.
After all, I live in a world where sensitivity is spoken as a slight.
Safe places are a joke because there aren't any anymore.
They are only spoke of for those who use pain as an eyesore.
Noticing that people only speak when I can give them release.
So tired of being the one who must always and forever please.
I must be unbroken.  I must not crack because darkness will spill.
While the past is held in there is no hope to heal. 
So I press my lips together and wonder who will save me?
Who will step forward and notice when I do not speak?

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Fractured by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

Strength is just an illusion only seen when you are bare. 
Pride is the cloak that is sewed and you are forced to wear.
Breathing in and breathing out waiting for the ball to drop.
Keeping your mouth shut while your brain screams please stop.  
Spinning in circles, everyone is more important than you.  
You are the daughter of a dark mind that part is true.  
Do you step in his footsteps? No one thinks you'll play his game.
That mask is a lie but they'll believe it just the same.
Because it makes them feel comfortable and they won't have to see
That maybe the spinning thoughts and darkness live inside of me.
Thought to be tougher than the others but that's just a lie.
So they won't have to see that weakness inside.
Does it make them feel less guilty so they don't have to take the blame?
Or is it because if they knew, they would have to admit they are insane?
Whispers in the darkness...Whispers that I later hear.
Do you think they don't tell me when you whisper about me in their ears?
I know more than they do...I know more than they speak.  
I know I was a pawn and they played with me.  
Yet what they see about me is all just manufactured.  
Because they only see the slivers, the part of me that is fractured.

  

Friday, November 10, 2017

Dark Spot by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

Twisting through life not invisible but barely there.
Broken and Beaten and touched with penetrating stares. 
Acknowledged in speech but ignored in presence. 
But oh how hard are all these life lessons.
No chance of pride...No chance of conceit. 
Putting a bandage on when the heart bleeds.
Blending with darkness.  Faded to most.
Even in accomplishments, there is nothing to boast.
Looking out a window, nothing is there.
The mantra is that life is never fair.
Trembling lips and tear filled eyes.
Hidden behind all of those pretty lies.
Standing in a storm, the wind whipping around
Knowing without a doubt that no one is proud.
Used for the gift to push others far.
It doesn't matter as long they are stars.
Forcing a smile, Give it all you got.
They all wear white and you are just a dark spot.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Crochet Hooks and Flower Chains by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn


Dedicated to my mom, Kaye Hirjak

A breeze as she works.
Brown hair cloaking her face.
Her pale hands move
With delicate grace.
She holds four gazes
All are in thrall.
A simple gesture
That showed love for all.
A crown, a necklace
A Princess, A prince.
Flowers and petals
Paint and tiny handprints.
A Summer morning,
A day gone by.
Moves on to another
Where she sits in the light.
A silver light flashes.
Hands moving fast.
Dolls and unicorns
A time gone past. 
A heart is aching
As memories wane
Wishing time would return
To crochet hooks and flower chains.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Alone by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

A Wisp, A Whisper, and I fade away.  
I wish my voice was sealed with nothing to say.
Vanishing into darkness but no one sees.
It doesn't matter...They don't really see me.
If I stood in the open...In the light.
I would be invisible.  They'd still walk by.
A seal...A syllable...But it's all wrong.
I realize I've stood alone all along.
Silent in the noise.  Alone in a crowded place.
A tremble down my spine.  My heart starts to race.
A breath...I breathe in and push it out.
I press my lips together, trying not to shout.
A shutter works through me but I still smile.
A hidden annoyance...All the while.
Bye...Good-bye.  I vanish away.
I walk, I speak but my soul fades.
I wonder how long it will last this time.
Silence is golden but I shout inside.
A wisp...A whisper I fade away.
I wish my voice was sealed so I don't bring pain.


Sunday, May 14, 2017

Sepia Stained Memories by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn


I close my eyes and see beautiful lace.
When I danced with a five-year old’s grace.
In that old living room, I twirled around.
Dressed like you I fell to the ground. 
Sometimes, I see us in the sunlight.
Your hands are moving gently left and right.
Tying flowers and making chains.
I am waiting to be crowned a princess again. 
And sometimes, I view those hands reach up high.
As the rain drops down to touch you from the sky.
Your laughter rings out and mesmerizes me.
You taught me to dance in the rain and be carefree.
Then, there is the taste of ice cream made of snow
And a touch of warmth after the cold.
Or the Christmas tree with lights so bright.
Presents piled on Christmas Eve night.
Your songs so beautiful as we fell into sleep
Lullabies that followed into my dreams.
Or stories by you as slumber awaits.
Or crochet needles and crafts that you made.
These images are too precious to be captured in pictures for me.
They are more precious than sepia stained memories.