Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Silent No More

Hush, it's not important.
Bite my tongue really hard.
Make it bleed a little more
Make it bleed like my heart.
So, I spoke the truth
But they believed only lies.
Laughing and condescending
Marking what is mine.
So I learned to keep quiet
This storm raging within.
So, you don't know my past
You don't know their sins.
I don't think you can handle it
But you would probably mark it off.
I have kept my secrets
And it's made my soul hard.  
There's a razor thin line
Between love and hate.
What scares me the most
Is when that line breaks.
Sometimes, you think I'm kidding
But I've faced the fire.
Risen from the ashes
Faced a dragon's ire.
I've felt the slap of wet leather
snapping against my skin.
I've been lost in my own mind
To protect this tough skin.
I've shivered and I've quaked
Looking over my shoulder.
Somewhere this made me hard
Somewhere this made me older.
I've suffered punishment for others
And I've sacrificed myself.
But I'm supposed to forget that
And put it on the shelf.
I've pulled myself up
And faced the devils in my life.
I've suffered by myself.
While others remained blind.
They don't want to see what happened.
They want their happy worlds.
They don't want to face the eyes
of a damaged and jaded girl.
But what's damaged me the most
Is my past not being important.
Unable to speak about it.
Being told to get over it.
How am I to do that?
When it is being ignored.
So how am I to face it
When it's blackening me to my core?
When everyone is okay but me
What am I doing it for?
The only answer I have
Is to be silent no more.

Thursday, April 11, 2019

The Gray

A breath in, a breath out
This is where I'm at peace
Neither light nor dark
Though both remain a part of me.
I tried to live in only one
but it was torture to my soul.
I tried to feel lifted
But then, found no place to go.
Here I feel embraced
by both parts of myself.
A perfect mixture
of what you'd call heaven and hell.
But I don't call them that
Not ever anymore.
I just call it me
in my purest form. 
A foot in the dark
A foot in the light.
For once in my life
Everything seems right.
Embracing that power
Where black and white blend.
Allowing my emotions there
And finally beginning to mend.
This isn't where I kneel
I stand and I am brave.
This is the purest me
When I'm standing balanced in the gray

Friday, April 5, 2019

The Dark

I know it's hard to understand
How the dark can bring me peace.
I know it can be viewed as evil
But it has hidden me.
Monsters in the world are real
The shadows hid me from harm.
To you it may be scary.
To me it has a certain charm.
You see I have felt it's embrace
In my body, soul and mind.
I pity those who don't see it.
I pity those who are blind.
Yes, it can hide and shield
things that go bump in the night.
But it can also hide from harm
Better than the light.
It is the place I shut down
And can shut off my troubled soul.
It doesn't expose my tears.
It allows me to be at peace alone.
There is a certain respect
To being wrapped in the warmth of the dark.
To allowing my feelings to crash around me
While being wrapped in shadow's arms.
Though I am not only the dark
I also hold the light
I can respect and love the shadows.
I can also love the night.

Friday, March 22, 2019

The Light

Sometimes the light is heavy
Sometimes the light is blind
Knowing who I am
I have to balance my mind.
I guess people want to be angels
But the halo is heavy indeed.
Ripping the wings from my back
While wearing them my soul bleeds.
I can't do it anymore
Pressured to make no mistakes.
The lies to hide them are heavy
It's time to recognize the stakes.
A life of to much torment
To live in the pure light of day.
A journey into the sun
Is too heavy a price to pay.
Suffocating in my silence
I just want to scream.
While hiding in the light
No one really knows me.
Always a distraction
A false smile upon my face.
Too many pretty lies
Hidden beneath ruffles and lace.
It's not that I don't have that
glorious, bright light.
But trying to make it all I am
Just isn't something right. 
Sometimes I dim a little
Sometimes I dim a lot.
But that should be okay
Instead of being who I'm not.
You see I do love the light
but I love the darkness as well.
Not pure in either one
But being just one is hell.
Because it means something to me
To find courage in them both.
To be wrapped in their embraces
To find humbleness not boasts.
To be able to walk equally
On a bright or darkened path
It's what my soul craves
Without both it twists
in sadness, pain and wrath.
I don't expect you to understand
How I choose to live my life.
But I refuse to be the bright one
And only be the light.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Stronger Than This

A false smile to calm you
but my mind is a raging storm.
A crack in the surface of my soul
But trying to keep you from harm.
Jaded from the memories
That pierce my tortured mind.
Sometimes I wonder if they see through me
Or if it's more comfortable to be blind.
A chin raised in defiance
My rebellious nature is what helps me through.
A shattered mess on the inside. 
I don't want them to see me as weak too.
Another step, Another day
Of protecting those my heart holds.
I don't want to be like him
Another tragic tale to behold.
So I take another breath for them
Because I don't want them to feel my pain.
I shudder alone in the darkness
With only words on paper to keep me sane.
Tears where no one can see them
Gritted teeth in my sleep.
Reliving memories of tortured souls
Who put more torture on me.
But I'm supposed to forget it all
So you don't hold your head in shame.
An embarrassment for other's faults
The only one to shoulder the blame.
But the past always haunts you
Even when you want to push it away.
Popping up in fractured dreams
And sometimes in the light of day.
I have to remember to stay silent.
It always hurts when I speak.
I have to remember to stand tall
And take all the misery on me.
Nothing is ever done 
But let them think it's okay.
If I pretend to ignore it
At least for them, it will go away.
Then, at least the pain will ebb
And they will live in perfect bliss.
I take a breath, put on a mask
And decide to be stronger than this.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

Darkest Moments

Do you really want to know what it's like?
It's like swimming in the vast lake in the dark.
Struggling to reach the shore while paddling
But the shadows hide where you are. 
There's a loneliness there that hits bone-deep
But you can't break it no matter what you do.
All those negative thoughts whisper around you
Convincing you that no one cares about you.
Always annoying, too sensitive, too much
Every insult whispers through your mind.
Always struggling to remain above water
But the night gets thicker making you blind.
And even when you reach that sandy shore
You fall down gasping to your knees.  
You think that's it, that's all you have to do
But then, your muscles clench and your knees bleed.
You realize you're still alone in the dark
Shivering so hard your teeth could shatter and break.
Then, glance back with your heart in your throat
Realizing you have to survive more than the lake.
Because in front of you there are shadows 
That cloak your every thought and mind.
Even with the impending day you are on alert
Hoping for once your brain will be kind.
But then, it's sudden you can take a deep breath.
You can see the clouds turning because of the rising sun.
The darkest moment is over for now
You can be relieved that you survived this one.


I know you don't understand
It's hard to comprehend me.
A mixture of shadows and light
Mirrors and light beams.
A smile to cover pain
Until I can't hide it anymore.
Refracted feelings bouncing
from pieces bent and torn.
The light bounces off my face
And you wonder if it's real.
Sometimes I wonder myself
If I'm covering how I feel.
The darkness shadows me
But often hides me from harm.
It twists and swirls inside me
I cover it with charm. 
Breakable and sensitive
That's why I hide it so well.
I got tired of my weaknesses
So I hide behind my veil.
But now, I struggle with emotion
hidden behind each turn.
A face of impassivity 
Man, my stomach churns.
Spoken words to see beauty
And never see the marks.
Twisted mindset I know
But I don't show my heart.
Except for the short times
Where my pen bleeds.
Then, you get a glimpse
of the kaleidoscope in me.