Silent No More

Hush, it's not important.

Bite my tongue really hard.

Make it bleed a little more

Make it bleed like my heart.

So, I spoke the truth

But they believed only lies.

Laughing and condescending

Marking what is mine.

So I learned to keep quiet

This storm raging within.

So, you don't know my past

You don't know their sins.

I don't think you can handle it

But you would probably mark it off.

I have kept my secrets

And it's made my soul hard.  

There's a razor thin line

Between love and hate.

What scares me the most

Is when that line breaks.

Sometimes, you think I'm kidding

But I've faced the fire.

Risen from the ashes

Faced a dragon's ire.

I've felt the slap of wet leather

snapping against my skin.

I've been lost in my own mind

To protect this tough skin.

I've shivered and I've quaked

Looking over my shoulder.

Somewhere this made me hard

Somewhere this made me older.

I've suffered punishment for others

And I've sacrificed myself.

But I'm supposed to forget that

And put it on the shelf.

I've pulled myself up

And faced the devils in my life.

I've suffered by myself.

While others remained blind.

They don't want to see what happened.

They want their happy worlds.

They don't want to face the eyes

of a damaged and jaded girl.

But what's damaged me the most

Is my past not being important.

Unable to speak about it.

Being told to get over it.

How am I to do that?

When it is being ignored.
So how am I to face it
When it's blackening me to my core?
When everyone is okay but me
What am I doing it for?
The only answer I have
Is to be silent no more.

The Gray

A breath in, a breath out

This is where I'm at peace

Neither light nor dark

Though both remain a part of me.

I tried to live in only one

but it was torture to my soul.

I tried to feel lifted

But then, found no place to go.

Here I feel embraced

by both parts of myself.

A perfect mixture

of what you'd call heaven and hell.

But I don't call them that

Not ever anymore.

I just call it me

in my purest form. 

A foot in the dark

A foot in the light.

For once in my life

Everything seems right.

Embracing that power

Where black and white blend.

Allowing my emotions there

And finally beginning to mend.

This isn't where I kneel

I stand and I am brave.

This is the purest me

When I'm standing balanced in the gray

The Dark

I know it's hard to understand

How the dark can bring me peace.

I know it can be viewed as evil

But it has hidden me.

Monsters in the world are real

The shadows hid me from harm.

To you it may be scary.

To me it has a certain charm.

You see I have felt it's embrace

In my body, soul and mind.

I pity those who don't see it.

I pity those who are blind.

Yes, it can hide and shield

things that go bump in the night.

But it can also hide from harm

Better than the light.

It is the place I shut down

And can shut off my troubled soul.

It doesn't expose my tears.

It allows me to be at peace alone.

There is a certain respect

To being wrapped in the warmth of the dark.

To allowing my feelings to crash around me

While being wrapped in shadow's arms.

Though I am not only the dark

I also hold the light

I can respect and love the shadows.

I can also love the night.

The Light

Sometimes the light is heavy

Sometimes the light is blind

Knowing who I am

I have to balance my mind.

I guess people want to be angels

But the halo is heavy indeed.

Ripping the wings from my back

While wearing them my soul bleeds.

I can't do it anymore

Pressured to make no mistakes.

The lies to hide them are heavy

It's time to recognize the stakes.

A life of to much torment

To live in the pure light of day.

A journey into the sun

Is too heavy a price to pay.

Suffocating in my silence

I just want to scream.

While hiding in the light

No one really knows me.

Always a distraction

A false smile upon my face.

Too many pretty lies

Hidden beneath ruffles and lace.

It's not that I don't have that

glorious, bright light.

But trying to make it all I am

Just isn't something right. 

Sometimes I dim a little

Sometimes I dim a lot.

But that should be okay
Instead of being who I'm not.
You see I do love the light
but I love the darkness as well.
Not pure in either one
But being just one is hell.
Because it means something to me
To find courage in them both.
To be wrapped in their embraces
To find humbleness not boasts.
To be able to walk equally
On a bright or darkened path
It's what my soul craves
Without both it twists
in sadness, pain and wrath.
I don't expect you to understand
How I choose to live my life.
But I refuse to be the bright one
And only be the light.

Stronger Than This

A false smile to calm you

but my mind is a raging storm.

A crack in the surface of my soul

But trying to keep you from harm.

Jaded from the memories

That pierce my tortured mind.

Sometimes I wonder if they see through me

Or if it's more comfortable to be blind.

A chin raised in defiance

My rebellious nature is what helps me through.

A shattered mess on the inside. 

I don't want them to see me as weak too.

Another step, Another day

Of protecting those my heart holds.

I don't want to be like him

Another tragic tale to behold.

So I take another breath for them

Because I don't want them to feel my pain.

I shudder alone in the darkness

With only words on paper to keep me sane.

Tears where no one can see them

Gritted teeth in my sleep.

Reliving memories of tortured souls

Who put more torture on me.

But I'm supposed to forget it all

So you don't hold your head in shame.

An embarrassment for other's faults

The only one to shoulder the blame.

But the past always haunts you

Even when you want to push it away.

Popping up in fractured dreams

And sometimes in the light of day.

I have to remember to stay silent.

It always hurts when I speak.

I have to remember to stand tall

And take all the misery on me.

Nothing is ever done 

But let them think it's okay.

If I pretend to ignore it

At least for them, it will go away.

Then, at least the pain will ebb

And they will live in perfect bliss.

I take a breath, put on a mask

And decide to be stronger than this.

Darkest Moments

Do you really want to know what it's like?

It's like swimming in the vast lake in the dark.

Struggling to reach the shore while paddling

But the shadows hide where you are. 

There's a loneliness there that hits bone-deep

But you can't break it no matter what you do.

All those negative thoughts whisper around you

Convincing you that no one cares about you.

Always annoying, too sensitive, too much

Every insult whispers through your mind.

Always struggling to remain above water

But the night gets thicker making you blind.

And even when you reach that sandy shore

You fall down gasping to your knees.  

You think that's it, that's all you have to do

But then, your muscles clench and your knees bleed.

You realize you're still alone in the dark

Shivering so hard your teeth could shatter and break.

Then, glance back with your heart in your throat

Realizing you have to survive more than the lake.

Because in front of you there are shadows 

That cloak your every thought and mind.

Even with the impending day you are on alert

Hoping for once your brain will be kind.

But then, it's sudden you can take a deep breath.

You can see the clouds turning because of the rising sun.

The darkest moment is over for now

You can be relieved that you survived this one.

Kaleidoscope

I know you don't understand

It's hard to comprehend me.

A mixture of shadows and light

Mirrors and light beams.

A smile to cover pain

Until I can't hide it anymore.

Refracted feelings bouncing

from pieces bent and torn.

The light bounces off my face

And you wonder if it's real.

Sometimes I wonder myself

If I'm covering how I feel.

The darkness shadows me

But often hides me from harm.

It twists and swirls inside me

I cover it with charm. 

Breakable and sensitive

That's why I hide it so well.

I got tired of my weaknesses

So I hide behind my veil.

But now, I struggle with emotion

hidden behind each turn.

A face of impassivity 

Man, my stomach churns.

Spoken words to see beauty

And never see the marks.

Twisted mindset I know

But I don't show my heart.

Except for the short times

Where my pen bleeds.

Then, you get a glimpse

of the kaleidoscope in me.

There Wouldn't Be Me

To Kara, Sandra, Robert, Chrystal, Cindy, Mandiey.  I love you all.

Staring into the night as a smile lights my face.

Because the night prickles with a memories trace.

Music drifting around us piercing our souls.
Somehow those nights made us whole.
Smoke curling around us in curving waves.
Chanting in a circle those were the days.
Give me back my lighter...You'll get it when I'm dead
Pushing away the darkness, taking in the light instead.
Telling each other truths that made us bare.
Oh! Damn it! Who the hell is going to pick dare?
Running through people with no clothes on.
Cards across the table.  Let's have some fun.
Dancing around the room. Dancing in the rain.
Bowing to our audience as we washed away our pain.
A heart thumping thought to never be alone.
A soul twisting bond that will never be undone.
People sleeping everywhere on the couch or the floor.
Already planning for what the next day had in store.
A false kiss to shock them, eyes going wide.
A cake in the face, finding somewhere to hide.
Wild times but some of my truest friends live there.
Embraces and protection and justice that was fair.
To them I will say this, you didn't let me sink.
None of you know how close I was to the brink.
Your presence kept me safe from the darkness in my mind.
You never made me hide it.  You didn't leave me behind.
Sitting with me in the shadows, sharing my twisted thoughts.
Never needing to explain or have a friendship bought.
Arguments only when you care.  I know each of you are true.
Encouraging me with all the dreams I pursue.
I hope all of you know how much you mean.
Because without you, there wouldn't be me.