The Dark

I know it's hard to understand

How the dark can bring me peace.

I know it can be viewed as evil

But it has hidden me.

Monsters in the world are real

The shadows hid me from harm.

To you it may be scary.

To me it has a certain charm.

You see I have felt it's embrace

In my body, soul and mind.

I pity those who don't see it.

I pity those who are blind.

Yes, it can hide and shield

things that go bump in the night.

But it can also hide from harm

Better than the light.

It is the place I shut down

And can shut off my troubled soul.

It doesn't expose my tears.

It allows me to be at peace alone.

There is a certain respect

To being wrapped in the warmth of the dark.

To allowing my feelings to crash around me

While being wrapped in shadow's arms.

Though I am not only the dark

I also hold the light

I can respect and love the shadows.

I can also love the night.

The Light

Sometimes the light is heavy

Sometimes the light is blind

Knowing who I am

I have to balance my mind.

I guess people want to be angels

But the halo is heavy indeed.

Ripping the wings from my back

While wearing them my soul bleeds.

I can't do it anymore

Pressured to make no mistakes.

The lies to hide them are heavy

It's time to recognize the stakes.

A life of to much torment

To live in the pure light of day.

A journey into the sun

Is too heavy a price to pay.

Suffocating in my silence

I just want to scream.

While hiding in the light

No one really knows me.

Always a distraction

A false smile upon my face.

Too many pretty lies

Hidden beneath ruffles and lace.

It's not that I don't have that

glorious, bright light.

But trying to make it all I am

Just isn't something right. 

Sometimes I dim a little

Sometimes I dim a lot.

But that should be okay
Instead of being who I'm not.
You see I do love the light
but I love the darkness as well.
Not pure in either one
But being just one is hell.
Because it means something to me
To find courage in them both.
To be wrapped in their embraces
To find humbleness not boasts.
To be able to walk equally
On a bright or darkened path
It's what my soul craves
Without both it twists
in sadness, pain and wrath.
I don't expect you to understand
How I choose to live my life.
But I refuse to be the bright one
And only be the light.

Stronger Than This

A false smile to calm you

but my mind is a raging storm.

A crack in the surface of my soul

But trying to keep you from harm.

Jaded from the memories

That pierce my tortured mind.

Sometimes I wonder if they see through me

Or if it's more comfortable to be blind.

A chin raised in defiance

My rebellious nature is what helps me through.

A shattered mess on the inside. 

I don't want them to see me as weak too.

Another step, Another day

Of protecting those my heart holds.

I don't want to be like him

Another tragic tale to behold.

So I take another breath for them

Because I don't want them to feel my pain.

I shudder alone in the darkness

With only words on paper to keep me sane.

Tears where no one can see them

Gritted teeth in my sleep.

Reliving memories of tortured souls

Who put more torture on me.

But I'm supposed to forget it all

So you don't hold your head in shame.

An embarrassment for other's faults

The only one to shoulder the blame.

But the past always haunts you

Even when you want to push it away.

Popping up in fractured dreams

And sometimes in the light of day.

I have to remember to stay silent.

It always hurts when I speak.

I have to remember to stand tall

And take all the misery on me.

Nothing is ever done 

But let them think it's okay.

If I pretend to ignore it

At least for them, it will go away.

Then, at least the pain will ebb

And they will live in perfect bliss.

I take a breath, put on a mask

And decide to be stronger than this.

Darkest Moments

Do you really want to know what it's like?

It's like swimming in the vast lake in the dark.

Struggling to reach the shore while paddling

But the shadows hide where you are. 

There's a loneliness there that hits bone-deep

But you can't break it no matter what you do.

All those negative thoughts whisper around you

Convincing you that no one cares about you.

Always annoying, too sensitive, too much

Every insult whispers through your mind.

Always struggling to remain above water

But the night gets thicker making you blind.

And even when you reach that sandy shore

You fall down gasping to your knees.  

You think that's it, that's all you have to do

But then, your muscles clench and your knees bleed.

You realize you're still alone in the dark

Shivering so hard your teeth could shatter and break.

Then, glance back with your heart in your throat

Realizing you have to survive more than the lake.

Because in front of you there are shadows 

That cloak your every thought and mind.

Even with the impending day you are on alert

Hoping for once your brain will be kind.

But then, it's sudden you can take a deep breath.

You can see the clouds turning because of the rising sun.

The darkest moment is over for now

You can be relieved that you survived this one.

Kaleidoscope

I know you don't understand

It's hard to comprehend me.

A mixture of shadows and light

Mirrors and light beams.

A smile to cover pain

Until I can't hide it anymore.

Refracted feelings bouncing

from pieces bent and torn.

The light bounces off my face

And you wonder if it's real.

Sometimes I wonder myself

If I'm covering how I feel.

The darkness shadows me

But often hides me from harm.

It twists and swirls inside me

I cover it with charm. 

Breakable and sensitive

That's why I hide it so well.

I got tired of my weaknesses

So I hide behind my veil.

But now, I struggle with emotion

hidden behind each turn.

A face of impassivity 

Man, my stomach churns.

Spoken words to see beauty

And never see the marks.

Twisted mindset I know

But I don't show my heart.

Except for the short times

Where my pen bleeds.

Then, you get a glimpse

of the kaleidoscope in me.

There Wouldn't Be Me

To Kara, Sandra, Robert, Chrystal, Cindy, Mandiey.  I love you all.

Staring into the night as a smile lights my face.

Because the night prickles with a memories trace.

Music drifting around us piercing our souls.
Somehow those nights made us whole.
Smoke curling around us in curving waves.
Chanting in a circle those were the days.
Give me back my lighter...You'll get it when I'm dead
Pushing away the darkness, taking in the light instead.
Telling each other truths that made us bare.
Oh! Damn it! Who the hell is going to pick dare?
Running through people with no clothes on.
Cards across the table.  Let's have some fun.
Dancing around the room. Dancing in the rain.
Bowing to our audience as we washed away our pain.
A heart thumping thought to never be alone.
A soul twisting bond that will never be undone.
People sleeping everywhere on the couch or the floor.
Already planning for what the next day had in store.
A false kiss to shock them, eyes going wide.
A cake in the face, finding somewhere to hide.
Wild times but some of my truest friends live there.
Embraces and protection and justice that was fair.
To them I will say this, you didn't let me sink.
None of you know how close I was to the brink.
Your presence kept me safe from the darkness in my mind.
You never made me hide it.  You didn't leave me behind.
Sitting with me in the shadows, sharing my twisted thoughts.
Never needing to explain or have a friendship bought.
Arguments only when you care.  I know each of you are true.
Encouraging me with all the dreams I pursue.
I hope all of you know how much you mean.
Because without you, there wouldn't be me.

Stained By Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

Walking in the darkness

I knew better than to go

Too stubborn to listen

Too rebellious I know.

So, I stepped into the darkness.

The blame is on him.

But that's not all true, is it?

I walked into this sin.

The blood on his hands is his

But the choices before were mine.

Maturity enough to admit it.

But it's a bitter line.

I wanted to have fun.

That's all that mattered.

But will I sit here

With my soul beaten and battered?

I didn't listen to momma's pleas

And ended up scarred.

I was the one who skirted darkness

And learned consequences hard.

For a while, I refused

To see where I went wrong.

That I had no responsibility

I was a victim too long.

But to truly shed that

I realized where I had walked.

I played with the demons

Somewhere I got lost.

I drank their poison

To wash away the pain.

I ended up suffering.

I ended up with more stains.

He may have had me in his fist

where he could hold tight.

But I was the one 

who walked into that night.

I knew it wasn't safe.

I knew I could die.

But I did it anyway

And it changed my mind.

So I'll take the blame for my part.

I can be hated for that.

But I understand,

I used to be that mad.

Mad at the world

Blame on everyone but me.

Yes, his sin was greater

But the stepping in there was on me.

No, I didn't deserve it.

That part still aches.

But I know I was bitten

Because I chose to play with snakes.

This is my protection.

This keeps me safe.

So, I don't go somewhere

Where I make the same mistakes.

It pains me to know

that I could have avoided it all.

But I had to prove myself

And that caused me to fall.

And now, I am judged 

Because of what I learned from my life.

It can't be taken away

Because of other people's strife.

I'm not taking blame

for that ultimate sin.

I am taking blame 

for the danger I put myself in.

I'm sure this will be twisted

For others pain.

But it's something learned from my life.

It won't be changed. 

Not to fit your thoughts

Not to fit your ache.

Because this was my lesson in life.

You can't take that away.

Consequences for your actions

aren't always black and white.

Sometimes, the effect of your actions

skirt the grey line.

And this isn't another form 

of pity or self-hate.

But it is protection 

From becoming more stained.