Silent No More

Hush, it's not important.

Bite my tongue really hard.

Make it bleed a little more

Make it bleed like my heart.

So, I spoke the truth

But they believed only lies.

Laughing and condescending

Marking what is mine.

So I learned to keep quiet

This storm raging within.

So, you don't know my past

You don't know their sins.

I don't think you can handle it

But you would probably mark it off.

I have kept my secrets

And it's made my soul hard.  

There's a razor thin line

Between love and hate.

What scares me the most

Is when that line breaks.

Sometimes, you think I'm kidding

But I've faced the fire.

Risen from the ashes

Faced a dragon's ire.

I've felt the slap of wet leather

snapping against my skin.

I've been lost in my own mind

To protect this tough skin.

I've shivered and I've quaked

Looking over my shoulder.

Somewhere this made me hard

Somewhere this made me older.

I've suffered punishment for others

And I've sacrificed myself.

But I'm supposed to forget that

And put it on the shelf.

I've pulled myself up

And faced the devils in my life.

I've suffered by myself.

While others remained blind.

They don't want to see what happened.

They want their happy worlds.

They don't want to face the eyes

of a damaged and jaded girl.

But what's damaged me the most

Is my past not being important.

Unable to speak about it.

Being told to get over it.

How am I to do that?

When it is being ignored.
So how am I to face it
When it's blackening me to my core?
When everyone is okay but me
What am I doing it for?
The only answer I have
Is to be silent no more.

The Gray

A breath in, a breath out

This is where I'm at peace

Neither light nor dark

Though both remain a part of me.

I tried to live in only one

but it was torture to my soul.

I tried to feel lifted

But then, found no place to go.

Here I feel embraced

by both parts of myself.

A perfect mixture

of what you'd call heaven and hell.

But I don't call them that

Not ever anymore.

I just call it me

in my purest form. 

A foot in the dark

A foot in the light.

For once in my life

Everything seems right.

Embracing that power

Where black and white blend.

Allowing my emotions there

And finally beginning to mend.

This isn't where I kneel

I stand and I am brave.

This is the purest me

When I'm standing balanced in the gray

The Dark

I know it's hard to understand

How the dark can bring me peace.

I know it can be viewed as evil

But it has hidden me.

Monsters in the world are real

The shadows hid me from harm.

To you it may be scary.

To me it has a certain charm.

You see I have felt it's embrace

In my body, soul and mind.

I pity those who don't see it.

I pity those who are blind.

Yes, it can hide and shield

things that go bump in the night.

But it can also hide from harm

Better than the light.

It is the place I shut down

And can shut off my troubled soul.

It doesn't expose my tears.

It allows me to be at peace alone.

There is a certain respect

To being wrapped in the warmth of the dark.

To allowing my feelings to crash around me

While being wrapped in shadow's arms.

Though I am not only the dark

I also hold the light

I can respect and love the shadows.

I can also love the night.

The Light

Sometimes the light is heavy

Sometimes the light is blind

Knowing who I am

I have to balance my mind.

I guess people want to be angels

But the halo is heavy indeed.

Ripping the wings from my back

While wearing them my soul bleeds.

I can't do it anymore

Pressured to make no mistakes.

The lies to hide them are heavy

It's time to recognize the stakes.

A life of to much torment

To live in the pure light of day.

A journey into the sun

Is too heavy a price to pay.

Suffocating in my silence

I just want to scream.

While hiding in the light

No one really knows me.

Always a distraction

A false smile upon my face.

Too many pretty lies

Hidden beneath ruffles and lace.

It's not that I don't have that

glorious, bright light.

But trying to make it all I am

Just isn't something right. 

Sometimes I dim a little

Sometimes I dim a lot.

But that should be okay
Instead of being who I'm not.
You see I do love the light
but I love the darkness as well.
Not pure in either one
But being just one is hell.
Because it means something to me
To find courage in them both.
To be wrapped in their embraces
To find humbleness not boasts.
To be able to walk equally
On a bright or darkened path
It's what my soul craves
Without both it twists
in sadness, pain and wrath.
I don't expect you to understand
How I choose to live my life.
But I refuse to be the bright one
And only be the light.

Stronger Than This

A false smile to calm you

but my mind is a raging storm.

A crack in the surface of my soul

But trying to keep you from harm.

Jaded from the memories

That pierce my tortured mind.

Sometimes I wonder if they see through me

Or if it's more comfortable to be blind.

A chin raised in defiance

My rebellious nature is what helps me through.

A shattered mess on the inside. 

I don't want them to see me as weak too.

Another step, Another day

Of protecting those my heart holds.

I don't want to be like him

Another tragic tale to behold.

So I take another breath for them

Because I don't want them to feel my pain.

I shudder alone in the darkness

With only words on paper to keep me sane.

Tears where no one can see them

Gritted teeth in my sleep.

Reliving memories of tortured souls

Who put more torture on me.

But I'm supposed to forget it all

So you don't hold your head in shame.

An embarrassment for other's faults

The only one to shoulder the blame.

But the past always haunts you

Even when you want to push it away.

Popping up in fractured dreams

And sometimes in the light of day.

I have to remember to stay silent.

It always hurts when I speak.

I have to remember to stand tall

And take all the misery on me.

Nothing is ever done 

But let them think it's okay.

If I pretend to ignore it

At least for them, it will go away.

Then, at least the pain will ebb

And they will live in perfect bliss.

I take a breath, put on a mask

And decide to be stronger than this.

Darkest Moments

Do you really want to know what it's like?

It's like swimming in the vast lake in the dark.

Struggling to reach the shore while paddling

But the shadows hide where you are. 

There's a loneliness there that hits bone-deep

But you can't break it no matter what you do.

All those negative thoughts whisper around you

Convincing you that no one cares about you.

Always annoying, too sensitive, too much

Every insult whispers through your mind.

Always struggling to remain above water

But the night gets thicker making you blind.

And even when you reach that sandy shore

You fall down gasping to your knees.  

You think that's it, that's all you have to do

But then, your muscles clench and your knees bleed.

You realize you're still alone in the dark

Shivering so hard your teeth could shatter and break.

Then, glance back with your heart in your throat

Realizing you have to survive more than the lake.

Because in front of you there are shadows 

That cloak your every thought and mind.

Even with the impending day you are on alert

Hoping for once your brain will be kind.

But then, it's sudden you can take a deep breath.

You can see the clouds turning because of the rising sun.

The darkest moment is over for now

You can be relieved that you survived this one.

Kaleidoscope

I know you don't understand

It's hard to comprehend me.

A mixture of shadows and light

Mirrors and light beams.

A smile to cover pain

Until I can't hide it anymore.

Refracted feelings bouncing

from pieces bent and torn.

The light bounces off my face

And you wonder if it's real.

Sometimes I wonder myself

If I'm covering how I feel.

The darkness shadows me

But often hides me from harm.

It twists and swirls inside me

I cover it with charm. 

Breakable and sensitive

That's why I hide it so well.

I got tired of my weaknesses

So I hide behind my veil.

But now, I struggle with emotion

hidden behind each turn.

A face of impassivity 

Man, my stomach churns.

Spoken words to see beauty

And never see the marks.

Twisted mindset I know

But I don't show my heart.

Except for the short times

Where my pen bleeds.

Then, you get a glimpse

of the kaleidoscope in me.

There Wouldn't Be Me

To Kara, Sandra, Robert, Chrystal, Cindy, Mandiey.  I love you all.

Staring into the night as a smile lights my face.

Because the night prickles with a memories trace.

Music drifting around us piercing our souls.
Somehow those nights made us whole.
Smoke curling around us in curving waves.
Chanting in a circle those were the days.
Give me back my lighter...You'll get it when I'm dead
Pushing away the darkness, taking in the light instead.
Telling each other truths that made us bare.
Oh! Damn it! Who the hell is going to pick dare?
Running through people with no clothes on.
Cards across the table.  Let's have some fun.
Dancing around the room. Dancing in the rain.
Bowing to our audience as we washed away our pain.
A heart thumping thought to never be alone.
A soul twisting bond that will never be undone.
People sleeping everywhere on the couch or the floor.
Already planning for what the next day had in store.
A false kiss to shock them, eyes going wide.
A cake in the face, finding somewhere to hide.
Wild times but some of my truest friends live there.
Embraces and protection and justice that was fair.
To them I will say this, you didn't let me sink.
None of you know how close I was to the brink.
Your presence kept me safe from the darkness in my mind.
You never made me hide it.  You didn't leave me behind.
Sitting with me in the shadows, sharing my twisted thoughts.
Never needing to explain or have a friendship bought.
Arguments only when you care.  I know each of you are true.
Encouraging me with all the dreams I pursue.
I hope all of you know how much you mean.
Because without you, there wouldn't be me.

Stained By Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

Walking in the darkness

I knew better than to go

Too stubborn to listen

Too rebellious I know.

So, I stepped into the darkness.

The blame is on him.

But that's not all true, is it?

I walked into this sin.

The blood on his hands is his

But the choices before were mine.

Maturity enough to admit it.

But it's a bitter line.

I wanted to have fun.

That's all that mattered.

But will I sit here

With my soul beaten and battered?

I didn't listen to momma's pleas

And ended up scarred.

I was the one who skirted darkness

And learned consequences hard.

For a while, I refused

To see where I went wrong.

That I had no responsibility

I was a victim too long.

But to truly shed that

I realized where I had walked.

I played with the demons

Somewhere I got lost.

I drank their poison

To wash away the pain.

I ended up suffering.

I ended up with more stains.

He may have had me in his fist

where he could hold tight.

But I was the one 

who walked into that night.

I knew it wasn't safe.

I knew I could die.

But I did it anyway

And it changed my mind.

So I'll take the blame for my part.

I can be hated for that.

But I understand,

I used to be that mad.

Mad at the world

Blame on everyone but me.

Yes, his sin was greater

But the stepping in there was on me.

No, I didn't deserve it.

That part still aches.

But I know I was bitten

Because I chose to play with snakes.

This is my protection.

This keeps me safe.

So, I don't go somewhere

Where I make the same mistakes.

It pains me to know

that I could have avoided it all.

But I had to prove myself

And that caused me to fall.

And now, I am judged 

Because of what I learned from my life.

It can't be taken away

Because of other people's strife.

I'm not taking blame

for that ultimate sin.

I am taking blame 

for the danger I put myself in.

I'm sure this will be twisted

For others pain.

But it's something learned from my life.

It won't be changed. 

Not to fit your thoughts

Not to fit your ache.

Because this was my lesson in life.

You can't take that away.

Consequences for your actions

aren't always black and white.

Sometimes, the effect of your actions

skirt the grey line.

And this isn't another form 

of pity or self-hate.

But it is protection 

From becoming more stained.

Drowning by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

I'm drowning again but who will save me?

Who will notice when I do not speak?

You or you, you don't even notice the change.

You don't see the tears as long as I smile over the pain.

This is more lonely than you know, fighting by myself.

Pushing away these feelings and putting them on dusty shelves. 

Always hailed the strong one but no one sees how weak I really am.

Always seeing the danger in trust and wondering at everyone's scam.

Most of the time not believing because words are louder but actions speak.

Looking out into a world so bright but what I see is bleak.

I am trying to step forward but the weights hold me down.

I cover my ears trying to block out words and screams and sounds.

Alone is when the tears come because I have to keep this mask held tight.

After all, I live in a world where sensitivity is spoken as a slight.

Safe places are a joke because there aren't any anymore.

They are only spoke of for those who use pain as an eyesore.

Noticing that people only speak when I can give them release.

So tired of being the one who must always and forever please.

I must be unbroken.  I must not crack because darkness will spill.

While the past is held in there is no hope to heal. 

So I press my lips together and wonder who will save me?

Who will step forward and notice when I do not speak?

Fractured by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

Strength is just an illusion only seen when you are bare. 

Pride is the cloak that is sewed and you are forced to wear.

Breathing in and breathing out waiting for the ball to drop.

Keeping your mouth shut while your brain screams please stop.  

Spinning in circles, everyone is more important than you.  

You are the daughter of a dark mind that part is true.  

Do you step in his footsteps? No one thinks you'll play his game.

That mask is a lie but they'll believe it just the same.

Because it makes them feel comfortable and they won't have to see

That maybe the spinning thoughts and darkness live inside of me.

Thought to be tougher than the others but that's just a lie.

So they won't have to see that weakness inside.

Does it make them feel less guilty so they don't have to take the blame?

Or is it because if they knew, they would have to admit they are insane?

Whispers in the darkness...Whispers that I later hear.

Do you think they don't tell me when you whisper about me in their ears?

I know more than they do...I know more than they speak.  

I know I was a pawn and they played with me.  

Yet what they see about me is all just manufactured.  

Because they only see the slivers, the part of me that is fractured.

  

Dark Spot by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

Twisting through life not invisible but barely there.

Broken and Beaten and touched with penetrating stares. 

Acknowledged in speech but ignored in presence. 

But oh how hard are all these life lessons.

No chance of pride...No chance of conceit. 

Putting a bandage on when the heart bleeds.

Blending with darkness.  Faded to most.

Even in accomplishments, there is nothing to boast.

Looking out a window, nothing is there.

The mantra is that life is never fair.

Trembling lips and tear filled eyes.

Hidden behind all of those pretty lies.

Standing in a storm, the wind whipping around

Knowing without a doubt that no one is proud.

Used for the gift to push others far.

It doesn't matter as long they are stars.

Forcing a smile, Give it all you got.

They all wear white and you are just a dark spot.

Crochet Hooks and Flower Chains by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

Dedicated to my mom, Kaye Hirjak

A breeze as she works.

Brown hair cloaking her face.

Her pale hands move

With delicate grace.

She holds four gazes

All are in thrall.

A simple gesture

That showed love for all.

A crown, a necklace

A Princess, A prince.

Flowers and petals

Paint and tiny handprints.

A Summer morning,

A day gone by.

Moves on to another

Where she sits in the light.

A silver light flashes.

Hands moving fast.

Dolls and unicorns

A time gone past. 

A heart is aching

As memories wane

Wishing time would return

To crochet hooks and flower chains.

Alone by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

A Wisp, A Whisper, and I fade away.  

I wish my voice was sealed with nothing to say.

Vanishing into darkness but no one sees.

It doesn't matter...They don't really see me.

If I stood in the open...In the light.

I would be invisible.  They'd still walk by.

A seal...A syllable...But it's all wrong.

I realize I've stood alone all along.

Silent in the noise.  Alone in a crowded place.

A tremble down my spine.  My heart starts to race.

A breath...I breathe in and push it out.

I press my lips together, trying not to shout.

A shutter works through me but I still smile.

A hidden annoyance...All the while.
Bye...Good-bye.  I vanish away.
I walk, I speak but my soul fades.
I wonder how long it will last this time.
Silence is golden but I shout inside.
A wisp...A whisper I fade away.
I wish my voice was sealed so I don't bring pain.

Sepia Stained Memories by Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

I close my eyes and see beautiful lace.

When I danced with a five-year old’s grace.

In that old living room, I twirled around.

Dressed like you I fell to the ground. 

Sometimes, I see us in the sunlight.

Your hands are moving gently left and right.

Tying flowers and making chains.

I am waiting to be crowned a princess again. 

And sometimes, I view those hands reach up high.

As the rain drops down to touch you from the sky.

Your laughter rings out and mesmerizes me.

You taught me to dance in the rain and be carefree.

Then, there is the taste of ice cream made of snow

And a touch of warmth after the cold.

Or the Christmas tree with lights so bright.

Presents piled on Christmas Eve night.

Your songs so beautiful as we fell into sleep

Lullabies that followed into my dreams.

Or stories by you as slumber awaits.

Or crochet needles and crafts that you made.

These images are too precious to be captured in pictures for me.

They are more precious than sepia stained memories.

Breathe By: Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

In the darkness 

The voices are there

Calling me closer

A scream in despair.

Pushing and pulling

I move further down.

Tugging and moving

Searching to be found.

The darkness is fading

And warmth becomes cold.

A shiver runs through me.

The young comes from old.

I open my eyes

But I'm blinded by light.

I try to see them all

The beginning of life.

A tear on my cheek

An immediate need.

A fight to survive

I remember to breathe.

Tomorrow By: Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

For those who suffer

Today is the darkness

Today you are sad.

Today is the clouds

When everything feels bad.

Today you hear the whispers

Breaking your heart into.

Today you see the people

Who have hurt you.  

Today you struggle

There is no light.

Today you smile

But you die some inside.

Today you pretend

Everything is okay.

Today you heard a voice

That should have pushed it away.

Today your heart breaks.

They weren't trusted anyway.

Today you fight tears. 

You fight them for others.

Today you take deep breaths.

You still feel smothered.

Today you fight through

You push away the sorrow.

Today comes to an end. 

There is hope for tomorrow.

Dear Daddy (Part 4) Final By: Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

To my father, Eric Ray Dudley

Dear Daddy, I remember 

The day that I got the call.

You left me with a promise made.

You wouldn't be here at all.

Dear Daddy, you were troubled in life

but mysterious in death.

There is no way to know

why you took your last breath.

Dear Daddy, I'm sorry.

I can't fight this battle alone.

I've failed you I know.

But I tried to get it done.

Dear Daddy, I miss you

More than you know.

I wish I could know for sure

Why you had to go.

Dear Daddy, I love you.

Even though you sacrificed me.

For your girls, for a promise

But from that I'm free.

Dear Daddy, I suffer

in quiet and alone.

No one cares what happened.

No one cares what was done.

Dear Daddy, I'm weak.

I can't do anything else.

The guilt from that

Has been my own personal hell.

Dear Daddy, I'm hurt

Because no one else cared.

I feel so betrayed.

It feels so unfair.

Dear Daddy, I'm so sorry.

I can't help you.

Maybe someone else 

can help.  Maybe they'll find the truth.

Dear Daddy, to admit this

kills a part of my soul.

But I have to say goodbye

knowing justice will never be known.

Dear Daddy, I love you.

But I can't make them see.

I'm so sorry, Daddy.

Please forgive me.

Dear Daddy (Part 3) By: Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

For my father, Eric Ray Dudley

Dear Daddy, I remember

The trip to live with you.

I thought the pain was over.

I had dreams to pursue.

Dear Daddy, I remember 

The grin on your face.

Somehow that got lost 

In a darkened haze.

Dear Daddy, I understood

That you were hurt.

I understood I was sacrificed

because you couldn't lose her.

Dear Daddy, I don't blame you

for someone else's plans.

You were trapped like me.

It made it hard to stand.

Dear Daddy, you saved me

when you let me go.

Your sacrifice has gone

without being known.

Dear Daddy, I missed you

when we couldn't speak.

But I remember what you did

was because you loved me.

Dear Daddy, you left me

to save me from another's hurt.

You couldn't tell anyone

because they would tell her.

Dear Daddy, I love you

and you showed that you loved me.

You saved me from pain.

You allowed me to breathe.

Dear Daddy, thank you 

for keeping me alive.

For putting me first

At that time in my life.

Dear Daddy (Part Two) By: Amanda K. Dudley-Penn

To my father, Eric Ray Dudley

Dear Daddy, I remember well
When you were absent for while.
It was when that moment happened
when I was pushed from being a child.
Dear Daddy, I still remember
wishing for you to arrive.
Every day that passed,
I died a little inside.
Dear Daddy, I knew
you had another girl.
I would  have loved to see her
Another sister in this world.
Dear Daddy, I wrote to you
while you were gone.
But you've disappeared before.
From me and your son.
Dear Daddy, I missed you
And wondered when you'd return.
A girl's daddy is important.
It's a lesson hard learned.
Dear Daddy, I loved you then
And I love you even now.
I try to understand you
I try not to think foul.
Dear Daddy, another chapter closed.
Another soon began.
Another child affected.
Another took your hand.
Dear Daddy, I wish for you
to tell about your life.
But now, I just live
within a never-ending strife.